Swiss Problems: Switzerland Dispatches Police After Child Loses Booger
While wars continue, governments quarrel and international institutions struggle with the usual catalogue of human misery, Switzerland faced a problem of its own this week.
It began with a child's Nasenböögg.
This is a real story.
A woman was driving with her two young daughters from Konolfingen towards Interlaken. Near Wimmis, one of the children announced that she had a Nasenböögg and asked her mother to get rid of it.
For readers outside Switzerland, Nasenböögg is a Swiss German term for what English speakers would generally call a booger.
There was no tissue available.
The mother had recently cleaned the car and apparently did not want the Nasenböögg deposited somewhere inside it. She therefore tried to flick it out of the window.
Unfortunately, it stuck to her hand.
She put her hand out of the window and shook it vigorously.
The Nasenböögg came off.
So did her gold wedding ring.
She heard the ring hit the road but could not stop because there was no emergency lane at that section of the motorway.
After arriving at work, she contacted an acquaintance who worked for the police. He advised her to call 117, the Swiss police emergency number.
She did.
The police sent a patrol.
This is still the real story, no joke.
The officers actually went looking for the wedding ring.
They did not find it.
Her husband then spent four hours searching the grass beside the motorway. He did not find it either.
He has since obtained a metal detector.
The family is offering CHF 500 to anyone who finds the ring.
It is gold, contains a diamond and is engraved with the name Reto and the date 15.5.15.
The wedding ring remains missing.
The whereabouts of the Nasenböögg are unknown.
Everything that follows has not happened.
Yet...
DAY 4
After the metal detector fails to locate the ring, Bernese authorities conclude that all reasonable civilian options have been exhausted.
The A8 is closed in both directions.
Motorists are diverted through surrounding villages.
A specialist unit of the Swiss Army arrives shortly before dawn.
The Federal Department of Defence stresses that this is not technically a military operation.
It is described as Unterstützung der zivilen Behörden bei einer aussergewöhnlichen Ringsituation.
Three hectares of grass are divided into sectors.
Nothing is found.
DAY 6
The Federal Council holds an extraordinary meeting.
The wedding ring is still missing.
Switzerland quietly contacts the United States.
Within 48 hours, a team of American specialists arrives at Zurich Airport carrying ground penetrating radar, satellite equipment and several aluminium cases whose contents are not disclosed.
CNN picks up the story.
The headline reads:
SWITZERLAND REQUESTS U.S. ASSISTANCE IN WEDDING RING CRISIS
Russia demands an explanation.
The Russian Foreign Ministry says the deployment of American technical personnel near Wimmis represents an unnecessary expansion of Western capabilities in Central Europe.
Washington replies that the specialists are there solely to locate a wedding ring.
Moscow says this is exactly what Washington would say.
DAY 9
Russian military observers arrive at the Swiss border.
France expresses concern.
Germany calls for restraint.
Italy closes the Gotthard for eleven minutes before admitting that this was unrelated road maintenance.
Gold prices rise 0.7 percent.
Nobody understands why.
The ring remains missing.
DAY 11
The United Nations Security Council convenes an emergency session in New York.
The Swiss ambassador explains the sequence of events.
A child had a Nasenböögg.
The Nasenböögg had to leave the vehicle.
The Nasenböögg resisted removal.
The hand was shaken.
The ring departed.
There is a long silence in the chamber.
The American ambassador proposes Resolution 2817, calling for unrestricted humanitarian access to the grass verge outside Wimmis.
Russia vetoes it.
China abstains and urges all parties to respect Switzerland's territorial integrity.
The British ambassador asks whether anyone has checked inside the car.
The Swiss delegation takes offence.
DAY 14
NATO increases surveillance flights over Central Europe.
Russia moves two additional radar units westward.
The European Union establishes the Special Representative for the Wimmis Ring Crisis.
Seventeen diplomats arrive in Bern.
Negotiations continue through the night.
At 03:40, agreement is reached on a 72-hour humanitarian search corridor along the A8.
The agreement collapses the following afternoon after Russia accuses an American metal detector operator of crossing 1.7 metres beyond the agreed search zone.
The Americans deny this.
Satellite photographs are released.
Experts disagree.
The ring remains missing.
DAY 19
Financial markets begin to react.
The Swiss franc reaches a record high as investors seek safety in Switzerland, apparently forgetting that Switzerland is the reason they are seeking safety.
The Federal Council addresses the nation.
Citizens are asked to remain calm.
There is no reason to stockpile food, batteries or tissues.
Within three hours, tissues are sold out across the canton of Bern.
DAY 23
A breakthrough.
A farmer near Wimmis reports finding a small unidentified object in his field.
Swiss police seal off the area.
American specialists arrive.
Russian observers demand access.
The UN sends a representative.
The object is carefully placed inside a transparent evidence container.
At 16:42, authorities announce the result.
It is not the wedding ring.
It is a bottle cap.
Markets fall.
DAY 31
With diplomatic relations deteriorating and 14 countries now indirectly involved in the search, the UN Secretary General flies personally to Switzerland.
He meets the family.
He meets the Federal Council.
He visits the A8.
Finally, standing before the world's press in Wimmis, he makes an appeal for peace.
“This crisis began with a Nasenböögg. It must not end with war.”
Behind him, hundreds of journalists fall silent.
Russian and American representatives shake hands.
Traffic slowly begins moving again.
Europe has stepped back from the brink.
The wedding ring has still not been found.
Neither has the Nasenböögg.
UPDATE, SIX MONTHS LATER
During the annual vehicle inspection, a mechanic moves the passenger seat forward.
Something glitters underneath it.
It is the wedding ring.