The First Tweet
Scene: A crowded Athenian marketplace. A man stands on a crate holding a small wax tablet.
HERALD: Attention, citizens! An Etruscan garment-bearer has invented a new thing called Chatter!
FISHMONGER: What does it do?
HERALD: You shout short thoughts into the air, and strangers argue with you about them!
OLD WOMAN: We already do that!
HERALD: Yes, but now it’s sexy!
(A crowd gathers, murmuring.)
YOUNG MAN: Can I complain about my neighbour?
HERALD: Of course! That’s called a thread!
OLD MAN: And if many people agree with me?
HERALD: Then you’re famous!
OLD MAN: And if nobody agrees with me?
(They all start scratching messages into wax tablets and shouting them across the market.)
WOMAN: (yelling) “Just saw a cow flying through the sky. Thoughts?”
MERCHANT: (shouting back) “Fake news!”
BOY: (running past with a tablet) “Trending: #NoFlyZone!”
(Chaos erupts. People begin replying, liking, and blocking each other by holding up their Hoplite shields.)
GUARD: (blowing horn) Order! Order! No more re-chattering in public without a license!
HERALD: (panicking) Too late! It’s gone viral!
(The entire crowd starts yelling random opinions. Meanwhile an eagle drops a turtle on Aeschylus’ head.)
HERALD: (pointing) Auspicious! The gods endorse his tragedies!
FACT CHECKERS (waving scrolls): WRONG! He’s dead! The bird was just bad at aiming — it was meant for Pericles!
HERALD: But he always wears his helmet!
FACT CHECKERS: Now we know why!
PERICLES: Hey, fake-news fact-checkers! I wear my helmet for fashion! Not many people know I have an egg-shaped head — but that’s confidential!
TANTALUS TROLLS: Don’t worry, Pericles. Your secret’s safe with us.
NARRATOR: And thus began the downfall of Greek civilization, one chatter at a time.