William Tell (2024): The Crusader, The Crossbow, and Hippie Jesus
It started as a simple father-daughter movie night. William Tell (2024)—a legend I grew up with, now reimagined for the modern age.
Hell, I even wrote a political paper about him: "The Conspiracy of 1291 Revisited: How the Myth of William Tell Continues to Frame Swiss Politics."
I expected historical inaccuracies from the movie. I expected forced "updates." But nothing prepared me for what unfolded on screen.
The Swiss hero William Tell? Now a former Crusader.
His wife? An international romance.
His sidekick? A priest that looks like Hippie Jesus.
And, according to my daughter, as we watched the Swiss rebels battle their oppressors:
“Of course the Swiss won. Jesus was fighting with them.”
And suddenly, it hit me—this wasn’t a film about William Tell. This was history being rewritten before my eyes.
Herodotus Would Be Proud
If you’ve ever wondered how historical myths are born, look no further than Herodotus, the so-called “Father of History.”
Herodotus wasn’t just recording history—he was crafting it.
Persian armies? He exaggerated their numbers tenfold to make Greek victories seem more miraculous.
Giant gold-mining ants? Why not?
Flying snakes? Sounds good.
A political agenda? Absolutely. His history was pro-Greek, anti-Persian.
Does this remind you of anything? Because it should.
The same way Herodotus bent history to serve a narrative, modern storytellers do the same. But now, they do it with movies.
And so, we get William Tell 2024—not as a Swiss legend, but as a morality play for modern politics.
The Purpose of the Rewrite
Why do they change history like this? Why take a Swiss story, erase its cultural roots, and replace it with an anachronistic, modernized version?
Because history is never just about the past. It’s about controlling the present.
The Romans rewrote the story of Carthage to justify destroying their rivals.
The British framed their empire as “civilizing” the world to whitewash colonial exploitation.
The Crusades were once called holy wars, then villainized as imperialism, and will probably be rewritten again.
And now, the retelling happens in movies.
The goal isn’t to inform—it’s to reshape.
From Swiss Hero to Global Narrative
A real William Tell movie would be about Swiss independence, local culture, and resistance against tyranny.
But instead, we got:
Tell, the Crusader. Because we need a "globalized" hero.
His international wife—because historical accuracy now takes a backseat to modern storytelling priorities.
His Jesus sidekick—because apparently, every medieval rebellion needs a spiritual influencer.
It’s no longer a Swiss story. It’s been repurposed into something else—a vague, multicultural fantasy.
And the irony? The Swiss won because they had an identity. Because they knew who they were.
Take that away, and what’s left? An empty shell of a legend.
History, Hollywood, and the Long Game
Herodotus told stories that became history.
Rome rewrote history that became reality.
Hollywood rewrites legends that become cultural assumptions.
And in 50 years, if no one remembers the real story, they’ll believe this version instead.
Unless, of course, people stop accepting the rewrites.
The Moment My Daughter Understood the Game
At the end of the film, the evil queen stands on a balcony, swearing revenge, in a scene straight out of Lord of the Rings. The setup for William Tell 2: Crossbows & Crusades—This Time It’s Personal.
I looked at my daughter. She wasn’t even shocked anymore.
She just shrugged and said, “So, when’s the next one? Will Tell fight Dschingis Khan?”
And I realized—she already gets it.
Maybe there’s hope after all.